Facing my fat demons

Growing up, I was always a little on the heavier side. I think it started when I was about 8 or 9 years old. I remember noticing once while changing my clothes at that age that my legs were getting bigger. I had always been pretty petite up until that point. When I got into the 5th grade, I weighed 118 lbs. Even the school nurse and gym teacher would make comments about my weight (they weren't very nice people lol).

I was often depressed during my school years. I had a lot of friends always, but I never really cared about sports or any type of physical activity. I dreaded gym class or even recess sometimes. My two favorite things to do were honestly, eat and sleep. Sometimes I would get these visions and all of a sudden want to do something about my weight, would work out like crazy in my living room or go to the gym. But then, I would make a huge bowl of macaroni and cheese or cereal and sabotage myself.

My senior year of high school, I started dating a guy who ended up being not so nice. He was insecure, mentally abusive, jealous and controlling. He would tell me things to hurt my feelings such as "You are fat" and then tell me that was why he would cheat on me etc. Needless to say, my self esteem was non-existant at that point of my life. I felt worthless and ugly all the time. After I graduated, I was proportioned but still over weight for my age and height. I was 17 years old, 5'2 and 147 lbs or so.

When I turned 18, I finally left the mean boyfriend and I started working for an airline. I decided to go ahead, start fresh as an adult and went on the Atkins Diet in an attempt to lose weight. I was going to do whatever it took to get it under control. I almost immediately dropped 15 lbs. Dropping from about 148 to 133. I was so excited to be under 140 I kept dieting really hard and got down to about 127. I started at a size 11 and got down to a size 6. Once I got that low I started working out at the gym a little on my days off. Mainly just doing the elliptical for like 20 mins and doing a circuit. OK... I went to the gym to meet boys too ;) I was young, single and for once in my life not big! Could you blame me?

Three years later, I left the airline to start a career in the oil/gas industry. When I started my new job, I also started dating a new guy. It went really well for about a year, I thought I finally had it figured it. I was on the right path. I felt "happy". Unfortunately, my new guy also had a recreational drug habit that sprialed out of control... When it started to become a full blown addiction we obviously started to have a lot of problems. He started to become more and more jealous and controlling as time went on (See a pattern lol? Sigh...). He worked out of town so when he was gone, he would constantly blow up my phone to see where I was and who I was with etc. I was so miserable in my relationship, I started packing the weight back on. I was depressed and never felt so terrible in my life. At one point, I got up to 167 lbs. My highest weight ever. Naturally, my boyfriend would pick on me for gaining weight and mock me by grabbing his stomach and jiggling it etc. I wanted to die. Inside, I already felt dead. After almost 3 years of all that, I finally left and I moved to Arizona with a friend of mine, Regina. I needed to start over once again and get my life back together. I was in bad shape physically and even more so, mentally. Mad at myself for allowing someone get me so off track. So much that I really started to hate myself and what my life had become. When I first arrived in Phoenix, I was about 160lbs.

Regina and I on Camelback Mountain. Phoenix, AZ

Over the next year in Arizona, I started meeting new people and trying to work out again. I went to the gym a few times a week and also started meeting with a trainer once a week. I got down to about 150 by the end of the year and then, I lost my job and ended up moving back up to Alaska.

I was feeling a little better about myself by the time I got back home. I had taken time to heal my head and gotten to a weight I could at least live with for the time being. It was a starting point anyway. Thankfully, I got a job offer about a week after I got back. It was a good paying job and I felt like things were starting to fall back into place. That night, I went out to celebrate. That's the night I met Jason, my husband.

Jason and I when we first started dating

Jason came with 2 daughters, whom he had full custody of. One 2 years old, the other only 10 months. Their biological mother was battling a heavy heroin addiction so was only allowed to see them every other weekend with supervision. With that said... when I started my relationship, I also instantly became a mother.

About two months after we got together with Mia 2 and Caitlin about 11 months

Jason and I ended up getting married a year and a half later and we also were expecting our first child together. A boy, named Ashton Lee.

My sweet, precious angel, Ashton <3

Over the next year, we struggled with juggling 3 kids, Jason breaking his leg and being out of commission for 8 weeks and then, the sudden and unexpected death of the girls' mother. My life had changed dramatically, again. I guess I always thought in the back of my mind that she would stop using and eventually get shared custody of the girls. But when she passed away, I became their only mother and I was going to have to take on a lot more than I ever thought I would.

All my kids together :)

I was overwhelmed, knowing I would always have 3 children all the time now. But I was going to have to make it work. I started burning myself out though with trying to take care of everyone, began to get depressed once again and even a little resentful towards my husband. Something had to change, and fast. I finally decided to talk to him about it. I told him I wasn't happy with myself and I needed to do something about it. He said he understood and would be supportive.

At my friend's wedding last summer...

That's when I started working out with a local trainer and then continuing on from there. In December 2011, I joined a womens bodybuilding team. I decided to make a goal and do a fitness competition in the spring. The next 6 months I trained my a** off in order to get my body fat down. I was at 148lbs and 26.7% body fat when I started out. (To see how that show went, keep reading) ;)

 

So there it is, the short story of how I got here today.

The truth is, I will probably always struggle with body image issues for many reasons. But now, for the first time in my life, I feel in control of my weight and my health. I have the tools to be able to change how I look and how I feel. The beauty of Body Building is that you can always improve your physique. Every competition I will be that much better... and better! I am excited about the sport and it has given me a new outlook on life. In a way, it's given me life.


In this blog I will continually document my progress on all the shows I compete in and I hope to motivate anyone that has ever thought about getting in shape or even competing. We all have struggles, we all have pasts and you are not alone in your journey.

xoxo